I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. Swamped.
Today, there is just too much in my head. Too much incoming noise. Too much to process and sieve. Too much out there.
Yesterday was the same. And Saturday.
I hear a short radio report from the wonderful Lise Ducette about life and death in war torn Yemen.
I listen to politicians lying, manoeuvring, double speaking, about Brexit. (It’s about them really.)
I look at Facebook, and tap on the messages that have come through to me.
I find that my news page and my email are swamped with people reporting what they’ve done, announcements, reports, exhortations, links to this and that…advertisements…
I am imploding and exploding…I just don’t know where to turn, how to put all this stuff in an order that makes sense, and which bits to remove and ignore. My head is full and I can’t empty it.
I can do what I do do. I can do what I choose to do.
I can do what I can control.
I still have a good analytical brain. I can still find words when I’m prepared and on the right page.
I can travel happily to meetings and events. Be away from home for a day or two. Enjoy independence.
But, like after the Birmingham DEEP event recently, I cannot go on absorbing everything else.
What I do is not generally draining. On the contrary, it is energising, with brief time lapses to recover between periods of activity.
But this constant bombardment that I have allowed in to my head needs to stop.
Part of me wants to know everything that’s going on. Part wants just to ignore everything outside my immediate sphere of influence and activity.
Part of me is frightened of losing track, losing touch, and not being able to catch back up.
I know I’m not alone in this state of mind. Some people living with dementia get swamped during discussions, when ideas are batted back and forth, often too fast. I don’t usually.
I get swamped by a world I want to control but cannot. A world that I am at times ashamed of. Increasingly so.
I am swamped by the constant barrage of emails, facebook posts, unwanted phone calls…that I did not knowingly invite into my life.
I’m not giving things up and withdrawing. Just taking back control. Stopping people getting inside my head when I don’t want them there.
So I am going to unfriend some people. I’m going to have another go at stopping repeat unwanted emails.
I’m going to take back control, so I can cope.
I’m going to get my head back above water.
And swim gently at my own speed wherever I choose.