Bleak

IMG_2086

This is bleak.

I don’t apologise for being bleak; I am exploring my thoughts about the future.

As brain cells degenerate, and functions function less well,

As clarity clouds and anxieties grow,

I wonder about what will be left of “me” in the coming years.

We exhort people to “see the person not the dementia”, and rightly so.

From the outside, we can try to connect with a person’s life, to help lead them back to memories they can still find and enjoy.

Though do we not also lead them back to memories they have tried to forget, and which may haunt them?

But try to get inside the person sitting in that chair, or lying in that bed. Towards the end of their journey, who are they? Who do they feel they are? How do they know who they are?

I’m not a philosopher or a religious scholar. Nor am I a psychiatrist.

But I live and think and write and listen and reflect, and…well…
…….

IMG_2077
Who am I?

Who in this world am I?

What is it that makes me me?

Who am I when I am no longer me?

What is it that makes me me and not you?

And who are you?

How do I know you are you?

I face losing what makes me me in the coming years.

Dementia won’t steal me. It won’t kill me.

My brain disease might though, if the other bits don’t give out first.

I will slowly, imperceptibly, grindingly, lose me.

My body will be here, but I will be gone.

My blood will circulate, my chest rise and fall, my eyes glance round or stare at something…

But I will be gone.

Because I will not remember.

I will not remember yesterday or last week.

I will not remember the calls of birds or the names of flowers.

I will not remember helping teenagers to love Shakespeare and Seamus Heaney.

I will not remember my children being born.

My wedding day, my 50th birthday, my 65th…

What I did yesterday.

Where my wife is.

What I ate for breakfast.

Who, then, will I be?

Because I am what I know, and what I remember, and what I feel.

I am billions of pictures and sensations archived in my brain.

When I cannot access them who will I be?

When I sit and look out at the clouds, or watch strangers passing by, who will I be?

IMG_2084

My uniqueness is my archive of memories.

I’ve seen the same world as you, but I’ve seen it differently.

The smell of bracken is my childhood walking up the Abergavenny hills.

The smell of a crocus or a daffodil is my schooldays in Edinburgh, escaping from bullying and loving wildness.

IMG_2070

The sound of a symphony orchestra is my Thursday evenings in Birmingham Town Hall in my twenties.

The taste of Beaujolais is helping my dad to bottle wine from big oak casks in the kitchen.

IMG_2073

So who will I be when I can no longer remember these things?

My father-in-law had a ten second memory. He was lost.

And he kept trying to escape from something…probably a ship that sunk beneath him in the war.

He couldn’t remember that his wife had died, just kept asking where she was, and grieving every few minutes. Every time for the first time. Again and again.

Who will I be when I can no longer remember yesterday?

I will still be alive. I will still exist.

But I will have no anchor. I will float along, turning this way and that, at the whim of people and surroundings not of my choosing.

I cannot imagine what nothingness is.

IMG_2085

I cannot imagine living behind the locked library doors, my archive lost from me forever.

8 thoughts on “Bleak

  1. Tru here. hugs, my friend!!
    important for you to share these feelings, but i disagree. i believe what we know and remember become very important FACTORS in our personhood — but not ALL of our personhood. i believe if the context of our memories is peeled back, our precious personhood spirit can still shine … it is just seldom seen. others must be patient and motivated to stick around in order to see it and share relationship. but it is there.

    there are moments when you see it in the eyes of a newborn. … i think it is spirit and soul, which do not require context to exist.

    much is lost when we lose memories, but not all. our context for relationships are gone, but moments of relationship can still exist. and i think that there is a lot we just dont know about capabilities of spirit and soul. hugs, my friend !!

    Like

    • Thanks Tru. I guess you are referring to some sort of spirituality, an entity beyond experience of this world. I’m not sure I go with that. But I do think that it will still.be possible to have fleeting engagement and warmth with those around. Perhaps connecting with emotions from the past after the factual memories are lost. Love

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a powerful and important post. I think often about your very point about “losing what makes me me.” As bits are lost here and there, others seem to expect you to just accept the losses. They don’t seem to understand the distress and grief that accompany the disintegration of self, and the excruciating awareness of the gradual deterioration of essential parts of identity. But then at what point does the awareness stop… when… when… when… But then, of course, can we know that? (we won’t be aware to know it when it happens) Will that be nothingness? …. God it’s awful.

    Like

    • Yes, I think it is awful. But the contemplation of it is probably a lot worse than the reality, because I will not know I have lost me when I have done so. It’s like a sort of oblivion, or like being cast into infinite space. No end, no beginning. Just empty space.
      Which is why I try not to think about it too much.
      Best wishes.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s